Ok....I must say that I am finding myself disappointed by people who disappointed me long ago. People who would smile to my face and couldn't wait until I turned my back so that they might pull out the knives. I don't understand it really. People are suppose to be good. Especially people who claim that they are good Christians and strive to be righteous. People make mistakes, some make mistakes often. Some people continue to make the same mistakes over and over just because they need a little help. Some people just need to say things outloud so that it can be heard through their owns ears to realize what they are REALLY saying. Other people say things out of anger or on the defensive. I am so very guilty of that. I am not perfect by any means, but I am sure trying my best to become a better person. I struggle everyday with things that have followed me for years. I have demons that want to show their faces again but I beat them down daily. I have made horrible choices and each day I have to live with those choices. I have not forgiven myself for some of the things I have done and truely do not know if I will ever forgive myself which means, that at some point I will stop growing as a person, which is really scary for me. Through each one of my hardships, I have been judged, quietly to my face or loudly behind my back. It literally nauseates me to think about certain times when I was standing in front of someone baring my soul that they were putting on a show, waiting for the curtain to come down so they could begin the process of unjustice. I can clearly see certain moments like this in my head. Sometimes at night when I lay down on my pillow and my life begins to run through my head, and sadly it is mostly the bad parts, I get physically ill and then I get sad and then I fill with disappointment. It is a horrible process that I feel I have no control over. I have been put through hell by myself and others wether they know it or not, more than likely they know, they have to know. I struggle with forgiveness because if I can not forgive myself how can I forgive others? I just think that we should remember who we are and that we are not here to judge. That is not one of the duties God gave to us for it is his and his alone. So with that I will leave you to ponder. May your day be full of blessings and fabulous Karma.
Peace
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I may have just gotten a bit teary reading this post. I to have demons in my head that sometimes seem to over take me. I know that it is easier said than done but try to remember the past is the past it doesn't matter anymore it only matters what you do with today. We all have made mistakes but that is how we learn. And it truly makes us a better person for it. You wouldn't be the wonderful person you are today without those decisions. Second I am apologizing for the whole blog world to see. I know that in the way past I wasn't the nicest person and I am so so extremely sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me. Over the past few maybe 5 years I have really seen you grow and change and I think you have been so amazing. It is so hard to rise above and you did it. I am so proud of you and I am very proud to call you my sister. Keep fighting those demons, don't let them get you down to low. I love you, I truly do.....
I to cried when I read this. Oh there are so many things I wish that I could go back and change in my life. I have hated myself so many times for so many things that I just really didn't know how to deal with. I have learned over the years however that we all make mistakes and we all have our own demons that want to take over every day. And oh, believe me that sometimes I feel like I can't be strong enough to not let them take over. I have many times beat myself up over and over. I am thankful to know that everyone struggles with their own things. I feel like that one of the most important things in this life is to realize that and to look inside ourselves and build each other up and forgive. I have been so guilty of not so nice things and I truly am so very sorry. I know that we have not seen eye to eye at different times and I hope that you can please forgive me. I have seen us both grow over the past few years and we have learned alot of things not only about life but about each other. I really do love you Angela and that really is from my heart. You are a good mother and wife and I love how you share and express yourself in your blog. Thanks for letting me be apart of it. I too am so proud of you. Don't let the demons take over. Thanks for being the mom of my grandchildren and the wife of my son. Thanks for being you.
I feel the same way at times in my life....people say that when we were in Heaven we choice the life that is given to us, and days I think why would I choose this life, it can be difficult and trying, why wouldnt I want the life of others, well the older I get the more I understand this and trials that have been given to me are there to see how much we can stand and fight, be stronger than others. I feel, this is my only thought, is their are people out there that couldnt handle my life, they would buckle at the knees and give up, because they are weeker than me, and give up...so I was given this chalange in life to see how strong and capable of doing I can be. I have taken hard pathes, wishing, and wanting to take back and do diffrently, but I cant and I try not to dwell on this, or that, but I do, and it gets me down and sometimes gets the better part of me but some how I get through it, maybe not today, but I will tomorrow, because I have so many loves ones that depend on ME. You have to be strong for the ones that depend on you, your children and your husband. I look up to you, you and Darren have concered so much in life! over come pot holes and additions, and that is what makes you so strong and special, satan will always work on you, but you keep beating him down....Look in the mirror and smile, you have done so well with raising those girls. I love you and your family, I wish you and Darren the best. "Forget the past, live the present and look forward to the Future", I always try to remember that! Love ya Angela.
Post a Comment